Christmas Special: Les The Night Before Christmas by Kelly Aten

December 24, 2016

Christmas Special

Les The Night Before Christmas by Kelly Aten

Hi there, my name is Kelly Aten and I’m one of those ‘Aspiring Writers’ that gather around the fan fiction sites and Facebook writer’s pages. You know the type, the kind that is also a massive reader and fangirls every time a favorite author likes our comment on Facebook? Anyway I started thinking about the holidays and how everyone has their own rituals and traditions. Maybe your holiday isn’t complete unless you watch your favorite cartoon or movie on TV. In our house we watch the movie Piranha staring William Katt (1995) every Christmas eve. My partner started it more than fifteen years ago with her brother and I’ve now been inducted into the tradition. 

So anyway, television, books, magazines, they swamp us with those ‘traditional’ stories and fables every year but what if you just can’t relate? I started thinking, why can’t I re-write one of those holiday classics? For instance, maybe I could re-write something like ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas. The poem was first published in the Troy Sentinel in 1823 but there is some dispute as to whether it was written by Henry Livingston Jr. or Clement Clarke Moore. No matter who wrote it though, I find it out of date and hard to relate to. And because of the fact that it is nearly two hundred years old I have decided to change the words to something that I think better fits my life, love, and humor. Hopefully you feel the same way.

Here is my spoof on ‘Twas The Night Before Christmas (aka “A Visit From St. Nicholas” or “The Night Before Christmas”)

Les The Night Before Christmas (A Visit From St. Nicolette)

‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house,

Not a pet was stirring, cats and dogs all worn out;

The stockings were hung by size left to right,

‘cause my crazy wife takes OCD to new heights

The children were exhausted from game night again,

Dreaming of Minecraft, Nerf, and Kylo Ren

We were in lounge pants, hers black and mine red

Bras both removed when the kids went to bed

When out on the lawn there was a scream and a squee,

We pushed pause on Netflix and went to go see.

Aluminum bat in hand, I stood at the door ready

A memento of softball when my knees were still steady

I peeked through the window and blinked kind of slow

Into a yard that was twinkling with lights on the snow

At first I blamed wine and alcohol blurred eyes,

For the sight of a sleigh with woman inside,

Wearing a red flight suit both voluptuous and svelte,

She was pulled by robot reindeer wearing fake fur pelts.

Both nimble and sure it was a safe bet

That our wintertime guest was Saint Nicolette

“Stay! Dasher, stay! Dancer, stay! Prancer, and Vixen,

“Wait! Comet, wait! Cupid, wait! Donner and Blixen;

She came to the porch and knocked on our door

I ducked down beneath the window unsure

What could she want on such a cold night?

Shouldn’t she be out on a world-circling flight?

Cautious and leery I drained my wine cup,

Then opened the door and said ‘Hey Nic, what’s up?’

With a twinkling and winking of her coal-black eyes

She shouldered a sack and shoved me aside

‘I hear you leave cookies and wine for the elves’

‘I thought I’d come down and see for myself’

‘I also hear that you and the wife have been good’

‘But things in the bedroom have not been what they should

A bundle of toys was slung on her back,

And she looked like a pervert just opening her pack:

Her eyes - how they twinkled! Her dimples how merry,

Her cheeks were like roses, her nose like a cherry;

I suspected she drank as she dashed through the snow

How else to keep warm without a fire’s soft glow?

The first thing pulled out was labeled ‘Santa’s Secret’

The wife, intently watching, said ‘Oh can we keep it?’

‘Batteries Included’ I read aloud to the room

I looked at my wife and we both started to swoon

On and on she withdrew more toys from the bag

Game changers all, the jolliest of swag

A wink of her eye and a twist of her head

Her sack had been emptied and we wanted our bed.

She spoke not a word, but slipped back out the door

Then the sleigh flew away with a Harley Davidson roar

My wife looked and me, and I stared back

Both of us awed at what came from her sack

We may have been good throughout the whole year

We may have celebrated with wine and with cheer

But that Christmas eve we took ‘good’ to new heights

Happy Christmas to all, and to all a great night.

 

K. Aten Online

Website

Facebook

Goodreads

Twitter

 

 

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Women And Words: Andi & Sheena Discuss Sex, NaNoWriMo & Ghostbusters

October 30, 2016

Women and Words podcast overview

23-28 October 2016

Andi and Sheena discuss sex, NaNoWriMo, Ghostbusters, and wtf with Halloween in the States. Also, Sheena points out the 18% of the time that Andi is wrong. :D

 

23 October: Author SM Harding brought up sex in lesfic and puzzled about why some readers think it’s “too much” while others think it’s “too little.”

 

Women and Words link HERE

SM Harding info

 

24 October: Author Yvonne Heidt brought fellow author Shelia Powell along with some info about Shelia’s latest, Becoming Me: A Metamorphosis a book of poetry that deals with really tough subjects, including molestation, rape, and mental illness. It’s a personal story about healing.

 

Women and Words link HERE

Shelia Powell info

Yvonne Heidt’s website

 

25 October: Audio excerpts! This month, author Catherine Lane reads from Heartwood; author C.P. Rowlands reads from Collision Course, and author Ashley Bartlett reads from Cash Braddock.

 

Women and Words link HERE

Catherine Lane website

C.P. Rowlands website

Ashley Bartlett website

 

26 October: Author and Women and Wordster Jove Belle does another blog in her marketing series. Here, she makes a good point. You need to have a book to market. So…write! ABC’s of writing: Apply Butt to Chair.

 

Women and Words link HERE

Jove Belle’s website

 

27 October: Author and Women and Wordster Renée Bess joins us for a discussion about writers’ block and what it might mean and how to deal with it.

 

Women and Words link HERE

Renée Bess’s website

 

28 October: Author and Women and Wordster Andi Marquette goes fangirl crazy over the movie Ghostbusters (2016) for Fangirl Friday and she’ll tell you exactly why.

 

Women and Words link HERE

Andi Marquette’s website

 

And, per Sheena and Andi’s discussion about NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month), here’s the link. And for funsies, here’s some info about Halloween.

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Lesbian Historic Motif Project: The Goblin Market

October 29, 2016

The Lesbian Historic Motif Podcast 

Halloween Special: The Goblin Market

by Heather Rose Jones

For this Halloween Special, I’ll be looking at sensual language and imagery in Christina Rossetti’s epic poem “The Goblin Market”.


In this episode we talk about

  • Rossetti’s background and life
  • The conflicting frameworks of romantic friendship and supernatural lesbian decadence present in 19th century literature
  • Excerpts of sensual passages from The Goblin Market, Christabel, and Carmilla
  • A full reading of The Goblin Market

More info

  • If you have questions or comments about the LHMP or these podcasts, send them to: contact@alpennia.com
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Les Do Books: It’s A Halloween Mix-Up!

October 28, 2016

Les Do Books 

It's a Halloween Mix-Up!

In this very special Halloween episode, Tara is joined by author, fellow reviewer at The Lesbian Review, and KA Moll. Listen to hear about the spooky books they've been reading and learn a little about the psychology of Halloween. 

 

In this podcast they discuss:

 

 

More info

Come talk about these books and any other lesfic you’ve been reading lately at our Facebook group, The Lesbian Review Book Club.

 

You can see all of our reviews, top 10 lists and author profiles on TheLesbianReview.com and don’t forget to send your emails, questions and more to Tara@TheLesbianReview.com

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Heather & Suzie - The Masks We Wear (special halloween episode)

October 27, 2016

Heather & Suzie 

The Masks We Wear (Special Halloween Show)

Novelist Suzie Carr from the Curves Welcome podcast and novelist Heather Rose Jones from the Lesbian Historic Motif Project team up for a special edition of their shows to discuss the use of “masks” and “costumes” — both physical and metaphorical — as a tool for exploring and negotiating identities in real life and in the online world. 


You can find Heather Rose Jones on amazon.com | amazon.co.uk |amazon.ca

You can find Suzie Carr on amazon.com | amazon.co.uk | amazon.ca

Send us an email on podcast@thelesbiantalkshow.com 

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Les Talk About It: All Lesbians Are Attracted To All Women

October 26, 2016

Les Talk About It 

Lesbians Are Attracted To All Women 

In this episode of Les Talk About it Tamara is joined by Brooklyn from Les Do Books. They talk ask the question whether all lesbians are attracted to all women?

MORE INFO

Tamara is super smart and loves researching and together this married couple are known to get slightly off topic and laugh a lot.

Brooklyn in a reviewer for The Lesbian Review.

Send your questions and comments to Podcast@TheLesbianTalkShow.com or visit www.TheLesbianTalkShow.com for more info about this and other lesbian podcasts.

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Harper Bliss and Her Mrs: Holiday Marketing

October 25, 2016

Harper Bliss's Mrs And Jove Belle

Holiday Marketing

In this very special episode of Harper Bliss And Her Mrs, Caroline is joined by Jove Belle while Harper guest stars on another podcast.
 
Caroline and Jove discuss Holiday marketing that they do.
 
Jove Belle is normally on the Women & Words podcast and can be found here 
 
Caroline runs Ladylit publishing with Harper Bliss
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Les Talk About It: The Lesbian Quiz Showdown

July 6, 2016

Les Talk About It

The Lesbian Quiz Showdown

Four women enter, one leaves with the crown. Join Sheena and Tamara this week with their three guests as they play the ultimate game of Lesbian Trivia. 


Joining Sheena as contestants today is Lise MacTague, Tara and Brooklyn. 

You may know Lise from her writing and Brooklyn and Tara are both reviewers at The Lesbian Review and have their own podcast Les Do Books

All four are super qualified to answer lesbian trivia...or so they think. 

Find out if Tamara can stump them with her research and who will walk away the winner.

Email us on Podcast@TheLesbianTalkShow.com with your comments. We love hearing from you. 
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